Why I chose teaching.

This is a big topic for me so I'll try to keep this external processing at a reasonable length. I've been thinking a lot about whether teaching is really what I want to do with my life for God and my vocation... questioning whether I really can or should be doing it. I've been a little stressed out about it especially recently. So first I feel I should start with a little of the story behind why I chose teaching.

In first grade I remember making a little "what I want to be when I grow up" type project for which I chose that I wanted to be a first grade teacher. That was a step up from my preschool aspiration to be a ballerina. How that ever came about, I will never know. I am definately no balleriana. I don't know what I was thinking. But sadly, once I got to high school I could have made the same comment about my desire to be a teacher... what was I thinking?! Me! A teacher? Yeah right. Freshmen year of high school I was in a full swing of insecurity, quietness, and shyness. Not to mention being terrified of public speaking i.e., class presentations. So yeah, picturing myself standing in front of a classroom of students and talking all day... not so much.

Then when it came to applying for college and thinking about a major and a career, I was firmly Undecided. And so I remained Undeclared, considering pretty much anything and everything in the meantime, that was until it got too hard. But anyways, somehow God got me to join leadership with the Justice corps and to co-lead a bible study during my second year. It was really hard for me at first, but as a grew as a leader I got more comfortable leading discussions and even found some joy in it. Over winter break that year, out of nowhere the idea of "teaching" came back to me in full force. I remember my early desire for it, at an age when fear had yet to drive my decisions. So as God helped me to overcome that fear in leading a small group, I was willing to consider that he could help me overcome that fear in order to teach elementary school.

Helping kids to understand the basic skills they would need to learn and be educated really interested me. I knew how to do math in my head easy, but how do I explain that to a 2nd grader in order for them to solve that problem? When I had helped with after-school tutoring the year before, I was intrigued by this, but funny how I did not made the connection to a long-term interest in teaching. But eventually God did hit me over the head with it, and so I directed my studies onto that path.

However, I continue to doubt and get discouraged. Sure, teaching interests me and I wish to teach kids. But honestly, I do not think I am especially good at it, let alone gifted or even naturally inclined towards it. It sounds like a good idea, but when in comes to actually doing it, I'm not really all that great at it. Especially having had some experience working with kids over the summer in Mexico City and now mentoring a 5th grader for one of my classes, I deal with those thoughts a lot. The thoughts that I am boring to kids, not particularly fun to be around, I don't come up with fun things to do, etc. and the discouraging thoughts go on and on. Sometimes me and the kids do have fun together and I do manage to teach them a little something on occaison... but the discouraging thoughts always win.

I could definately go on... but I probably shouldn't. What it comes down to now is that getting better at working with kids and knowing how best to teach them will come with more time and experience. Plus, as un-gifted as I feel as a teacher, I still have a desire to teach. I do have some other thoughts of things I desire to do with my life, but realistically, I can't see myself being anything other than a teacher. Yep, I don't know for sure... but for now I am going to keep on this path God has sent me on and hope that it will continue to feel right and more secure as time goes on.